Nearly Normal's - Corvallis, OR

This is the first critical response posted by a fellow blogger, 2Pete. He asked me not to link his blog to this site, which makes me swell with pride. If you have an interest in submitting, please leave a comment below and I will contact you. -Pickypants

Nearly Normal's - Corvallis, OR

Original review written by Michael N.

Critical response by 2Pete

I was back in Corvallis for Thanksgiving - and I had a list of things that I had to do.

>>>Hey Michael, it's nice to go home. Family is important. Good for you.

I had to hit up McMenamins for some brews

I had to hit up American Dream for some amazing pizza

I had to hit up one of my highschool teacher's houses. With eggs. (I kid I kid. Maybe.)

I had to hit up Local Boyz (oh Sweet Shoyu chicken how you haunt my dreams at night!)

But first and foremost - I *had* to get a sunburger at Nearly Normals.

>>>This was fun. Sort of like a poem, but waaay super-cuter. Ugh. That made me want to cut you. I feel child-molester-grossed out by your writing style (I kid I kid. Maybe).

I went with the fakin' bacon sunburger. When we were ordering a companion asked about a strange looking machine in the back. We were told that it was the "patty making machine" that they use since they ship their patties all over the state. This made me nervous.

>>>Hey, way to remember the apostrophe at the end of "fakin'"! But did you really just write "a companion"? "A companion asked" Whooaaa, what's that "strange machine?"

Your companion wouldn't happen to have been a time traveler from the 1880s, would he? No, but seriously, I can understand why a patty making machine would make you "nervous." I was raped by a patty machine. Sounds like you probably were too. We should companion-up and talk about it. Your time traveling friend can come along and help us hunt for fantastical robots.

When my burger arrived - it just looked... small. This made me sad.

>>>You're an idiot.

Did they switch over to smaller buns? I'm pretty sure they did. But the bigger concern was the patty. It was ruined. Whereas before it had been this huge organically shaped mass of awesomeness, now it is this 3/8" tall perfect cylinder with razor sharp edges - as if it came out of a... wait for it... patty making machine. It was a fraction of the size of the original. This made me cry. Well, OK - like any beer drinking, gun shooting, manly man I just gave it the stiff upper lip. But I felt like crying.

>>>Oooooh, I judged too soon Michael. NOW I understand your nervousness. Well-founded, amigo. But your Yelp photo is public: "beer drinking, gun shooting, manly man..." - you are none of these.

Great. Way to go guys. Thanks for ruining the thing that makes you all great just to save some time/money. Their other entrees are still good - but their burgers are no longer anything to write home about.

>>>Really? You ordered some other entrees after your disappointment with the burger. Your commitment is impressive. Truly, Yelp was made just for you: a haven from the loneliness of severe douche-baggery.

We sat upstairs. It was brightly lit, with no music playing, loud shouting from downstairs echoing up the stairs (we thought there was a fight, turns out it was just the employees talking or something), person next to us reading a newspaper, etc. Bleh.

>>>I fucking hate newspaper readers, too. Fascist bourgeois pigs.

Yeah, I'll be back. but I ain't gonna be getting a burger.

>>>Word, brother! Get back on that horse and ride it!