Friday, May 21, 2010

Chris'hot Dog - Montgomery, AL

>>> Yes this place is called Chris'hot Dog. No I don't understand the syntax either. It is however, fun to say outloud. "CHRIS'HOT DOG."

Original review written by Matt R.
criticism by Pickypants

How do you even go about reviewing a place like this? Do people actually go here for the food (honest question)?

>>> Well, the last time I went to Chris'hot dog it was to browse through their incredible collection of first edition Jane Austen novels.

I guess I went here because of the history.

>>> Ah yes, Chris'hot Dog does have a long and varied past. I am surprised you didn't take the tour.

Along the same line as Ben's Chili Bowl in DC.

>>> I heard Washington DC was changing their state license plate to feature Ben's Chili Bowl.

The place is really a dive, which to me adds to its appeal. I'm imaging HW stumbling around and starting fights.

>>> Oh HW. What a rogue he is.

I ordered one hot dog and one cheeseburger. Both were pretty bad. At first I planned on giving this place two stars because of it's storied past, but seriously, the food sucks. One star it is.

>>> I think people need to get out more in Montgomery.

Cabo Fish Taco - Charlotte, NC

Original review written by TR. P
criticism by Pickypants

The Good, the bad and the ugly. Are you ready?

>>> Can't freaking wait!

My waitress forgot my bloody mary, but she did bring me water. Hey, thanks.

>>> ... You're welcome?

I ordered the special, wasabi shrimp burrito, it was not made with love.

>>> I hate when my food is not love-made.

The flour tortilla was cold, it must be really cold in their kitchen.

>>> They probably don't store them in the fridge.

The shrimp inside the burrito were good, if you took a shrimp bite it was warm but the burrito wasn't consistant, so some bites would be cold cheese and cold flour tortilla. MMMMMMM, yum.

>>> Sarcasm?

It is such a cute little place, maybe I will stick with drinking margaritas. As Homer Simpson would say, "mmmmmmm. donuts/beer/erotic cakes."

>>> Excellent, I always love reviews that finish on a completely inexplicable statement.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Halo For Men - Chicago, IL

Another guest reviewer, The Infinite Jester, helps us enforce restraint on the Yelping tards of the world. He is author of the hilarious blog, Smile Naked.

original review written by Steve M.
critical response by The Infinite Jester

Hopefully everyone has been following the trials and tribulations of my hair, but yet again I was forced to make a change.

>>>I hate you already. We've only just met, and I can already see the little Astro Boy spike on the front of your bangs that broadcasts to everyone within a 50 yard radius that the shrill, squeaky, "Jack from Will & Grace" voice is coming from you.

You seem to live a Reality Show in your head. Probably something that merges The Real World, Queer Eye, and The Biggest Loser. I don't watch any of those shows, and I'm sure you'd be voted off in the first episode of all them for being the guy who slapped the judge.

I've never hated somebody in less than once sentence before. It's a euphoric experience and I can't wait to see what other remarkable droplets of inanity you have in store for me. Hopefully you'll regale us on why you were "forced to make a change." If we're lucky, it involves a homeless man, a bottle of tequila, and a monkey.

After following my stylist from one location to another she decided to move to DC without any consideration about who would cut my hair while she was gone so the quest for a new stylist begun yet again.

>>>That fucking bitch. And to think, you put her and her children through college. No, wait. That wasn't you. In fact, someone as self absorbed as you probably made her tease and touch-up every follicle before you'd even feign satisfaction, and never tipped.

The extra time spent on you probably cost her in lost clients. She moved around town several times before finally leaving town? Dude, she's running from you.

I decided to go back to Halo but this time to the Bucktown location where I met Melissa my new stylist until she decides to leave, move out of state, or quit and pursue some other career.

>>>All, I'm sure, you will be the direct cause for.

She definitely knows how to cut hair and she has been there awhile which is always a good sign.

>>>And yet, she hadn't heard of you. How did you not scratch her bitch eyes right out?

Halo's are always $45 for a hair cut, but I find that it is well worth the money compared to the hair-cuts you get at some of the other chains. Also they offer the free two week touch up if you can find the time to stop back in which is nice.

>>>A feature that we can all assume you abused to the very brink of "company-wide policy change." Why wash the cum out of your hair, when you can just get a "touch up," right? Or is that too harsh?

Was it more of a last minute panic session, when you realized that one hair was floating just a bit too far to one side, and you only had an hour to get to the club before the House DJ left for the night? (I can see you charging in, screaming at the poor bastard getting a "Z" shaved into the back of his head to get the hell out of your chair, because this is an emergency and the meter is still running on the cab out front.)

Plus the $45 gets you a scalp massage, hand treatment, mini-facial and a free drink. What else can you ask for? I would give it 5 stars, but it is 45 bucks.

>>>I rest my case on the earlier "no tipping" assessment. But seriously, sounds to me like you aren't going for "a haircut," as you claim. Like, for instance, "Sure, they charge $200 for a massage, but it's the best massage in town. I've been to a lot of massage parlors, and this place is really worth the money. The free blowjob is nice too."

I highly recommend giving Melissa a chance to be your next stylist.

>>>Or, just send her condolences cards and listings for cities she might want to move to.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Extreme Pizza - San Francisco, CA

The second guest blogger is Harshly. He is well known for interviewing celebrities. Here's a link to his blog, Chip Wilson's Interviews with Big Celebrities.

Extreme Pizza - San Francisco, CA
Original review written by Sharon U.
>>>Critical response by Harshly

My boyfriend and I are a pain in the royal ass when it comes to food. He's got celiacs and i'm allergic to dairy. Boring! And the one thing we can never order is pizza.

>>>I am starting to think that individuals suffering from digestive disorders or diseases which cause conflict with their dietary choices may have a compulsion to force this fact into the beginning of every conversation they participate in. At this point I'd like to point out that there are probably many things you "can never order". Simply amazing how one word like "can" totally makes you look like an ass.

Until now folks!

>>>A new paragraph for this exclamation. Fantastic. Just fantastic.

Extreme Pizza now has really good gluten free pizza crust that you can get delivered pretty much anywhere in the City. You can only get it in the 12" size which my boyfriend ate all in one night he loved it so much. Oh and they have great soy cheese too.

>>>The first thing that strikes me is that your boyfriend evidently consumed the entire pizza (all in one night he loved it so much) yet here you are the one authoring this horrible review. Please keep in mind that readers would like to know the opinions of patrons who actually put food from the establishment being reviewed into their mouths, not reviews written by people who watched others eat the food.

Over all the pizza here is pretty good but their willingness to accommodate all kinds of dietary needs and still taste pretty darn good (ever had Amy's Rice Crust Pizza? It's so G-Ross our German friend who eats ANYTHING couldn't even finish it) is huge. Thanks corporate pizza place!

>>>The first sentence of this next "paragraph" literally caused my eyes to vomit blood. Read it out loud. I am literally at a loss as to where I should start on this. I feel like I've just been asked to restore life to a cadaver.

I guess the statement starts out fine. The tone is a touch too conversational, but "and still taste pretty darn good" looks suspiciously like the end of the thought. Unfortunately, upon backtracking, you remember there was something back at "but their willingness..." which alluded to something more. It is at this point I realize that the parenthetical thought is what truly puts the kill shot into this sentence. A quick question to start things off, some strange e-thug script concerning "G-Ross", and then a passively insulting remark about the unquestionable appetites of German people.

Finally, we have the predicate. Both words of it. After this literary abortion has been splattered across my awareness the paragraph ends with a shout out to "corporate pizza place". Was this a sarcastic high five to Amy's Rice Crust Pizza? I guess the far reaching tentacles of this corporate beast have yet to reached my hometown. Or did you actually forget the name of the establishment you were writing a review for?

I guess I'm not surprised by the ambiguity.

Oh and if you're ordering online - put Gluten Free Crust Please! in the comments section. I think it costs $4 extra but your gluten free friends will love you for it.

>>>I suppose an unprofessional beginning to a review requires an unprofessional ending. Here is an interesting fact about Celiac Disease. Approximately 2 million people in the United States has it or about 1 in 133. I suppose if myself and 132 of my closest friends are sitting around thinking about ordering pizza, it would be easy to collect the 4 dollar fee for customizing the crust. Thanks for the propaganda.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Thang Long - Westminster, CA

Original review written by Cindy P.
critical response by Pickypants

I understand the true meaning of "Meh. I've experience better" now.

>>> Excellent, can you explain what it means? I've experience at ping-pong better than others, but I don't understand your context.

I love Pho Thanh Long, so I assumed that just a couple of stores down Thanh Long Restaurant should have something to offer.

>>> Thank you for making me feel like a part of your world.

The decor is sooo cute and modern!

>>> That is sooo important!

What I did not love was the food. I looked at the menu, and of course they serve pho here too

>>> Of course they do.

in retrospect, I should have just ordered the pho and called it a night. Unfortunately, I didn't.

>>> Dramatic tension!

The menu contained bun (vermicelli noodles), com tam (broken rice), pho, yellow noodles, and some appetizers. With a menu like that, I wasn't sure what their specialty was,

>>> How could you? When a place serves com tam, all bets are off.

so I was just going to order a bun thit nuong (vermicelli noodles with bbq pork), but then I had a moment of brilliance thinking that it will be best to ask the waiter for his opinion.

>>> Sarcasm?

Me: So, what do you recommend? What is your special?
Waiter: The white paper menu.
Me: You mean the item that your restaurant specializes in is not in the main menu?
Waiter: The white menu has our specials.

>>> Oh no he did-hunt! Shit! Oh my fucking God! CHECKMATE THANG LONG! Everyone knows when you dine at a restaurant that serves bun thit nuong that you can't have a separate menu for specials! IDIOTS! I can't believe Cindy even took the time to chronicle this damning conversation, I would have run screaming.

Me: I'll take the Shakin' Beef.

>>> That will teach them.

But seriously, if a place can mess up their specialty food item then that makes me speechless because it speaks for itself.

>>> I also get speechless when menu items speak for themselves.

Needless to say, I was super disappointed with my Shakin' Beef, it was mushy, bland in flavor, and their red rice was dry. In order to actually consume it, I HAD to use their lemon dipping sauce.

>>> The horror. Maybe you can ask them not to give you dipping sauce next time. Oh who am I kidding, fuck this place!

Maybe it was because I was there an hour before closing, but it really is no excuse for bad food.

>>> I always say, never dine at a restaurant within one hour from closing. The food often gets defecated on as a kitchen ritual.

Just like the Saigon Restaurant that was here before Thang Long Restaurant, it can have my two stars! Seriously, "Meh. I've experienced better."

>>> Oh, I understand now what you meant at the beginning. The power you wield with your Yelp stars is staggering. I only hope you continue to use them wisely.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Nearly Normal's - Corvallis, OR

This is the first critical response posted by a fellow blogger, 2Pete. He asked me not to link his blog to this site, which makes me swell with pride. If you have an interest in submitting, please leave a comment below and I will contact you. -Pickypants

Nearly Normal's - Corvallis, OR

Original review written by Michael N.
Critical response by 2Pete

I was back in Corvallis for Thanksgiving - and I had a list of things that I had to do.

>>>Hey Michael, it's nice to go home. Family is important. Good for you.

I had to hit up McMenamins for some brews
I had to hit up American Dream for some amazing pizza
I had to hit up one of my highschool teacher's houses. With eggs. (I kid I kid. Maybe.)
I had to hit up Local Boyz (oh Sweet Shoyu chicken how you haunt my dreams at night!)
But first and foremost - I *had* to get a sunburger at Nearly Normals.

>>>This was fun. Sort of like a poem, but waaay super-cuter. Ugh. That made me want to cut you. I feel child-molester-grossed out by your writing style (I kid I kid. Maybe).

I went with the fakin' bacon sunburger. When we were ordering a companion asked about a strange looking machine in the back. We were told that it was the "patty making machine" that they use since they ship their patties all over the state. This made me nervous.

>>>Hey, way to remember the apostrophe at the end of "fakin'"! But did you really just write "a companion"? "A companion asked" Whooaaa, what's that "strange machine?"

Your companion wouldn't happen to have been a time traveler from the 1880s, would he? No, but seriously, I can understand why a patty making machine would make you "nervous." I was raped by a patty machine. Sounds like you probably were too. We should companion-up and talk about it. Your time traveling friend can come along and help us hunt for fantastical robots.

When my burger arrived - it just looked... small. This made me sad.

>>>You're an idiot.

Did they switch over to smaller buns? I'm pretty sure they did. But the bigger concern was the patty. It was ruined. Whereas before it had been this huge organically shaped mass of awesomeness, now it is this 3/8" tall perfect cylinder with razor sharp edges - as if it came out of a... wait for it... patty making machine. It was a fraction of the size of the original. This made me cry. Well, OK - like any beer drinking, gun shooting, manly man I just gave it the stiff upper lip. But I felt like crying.

>>>Oooooh, I judged too soon Michael. NOW I understand your nervousness. Well-founded, amigo. But your Yelp photo is public: "beer drinking, gun shooting, manly man..." - you are none of these.

Great. Way to go guys. Thanks for ruining the thing that makes you all great just to save some time/money. Their other entrees are still good - but their burgers are no longer anything to write home about.

>>>Really? You ordered some other entrees after your disappointment with the burger. Your commitment is impressive. Truly, Yelp was made just for you: a haven from the loneliness of severe douche-baggery.

We sat upstairs. It was brightly lit, with no music playing, loud shouting from downstairs echoing up the stairs (we thought there was a fight, turns out it was just the employees talking or something), person next to us reading a newspaper, etc. Bleh.

>>>I fucking hate newspaper readers, too. Fascist bourgeois pigs.

Yeah, I'll be back. but I ain't gonna be getting a burger.

>>>Word, brother! Get back on that horse and ride it!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Sapphire Gentleman's Club - Las Vegas, Nevada

I found two reviews for this strip club in Las Vegas. Enjoy.

Original review written by Jessie K.

DON'T GO unless you want to be raped by this money hungry non-strip club every time you turn around!

>>> I love a review that grabs my attention right off the bat!

As SOON as I got in they force you to buy $14 Bud Lights,

>>> Capital letters for emphasis aside, I hate being forced to buy a $14 Bud Light, not to mention several Bud Lights. I wonder how that conversation went?

the stage is elevated so you can't get NEAR the ho's

>>> The ho's what?

and the bouncers tell you where to move, they do NOT care anything about you having fun,

>>> I was very upset the last time someone did NOT care anything about me having fun.

They treat the ho's the same way,

>>> They also did NOT care anything about them having fun?

they are mean to them, and so the ho's are mean to you.

>>> Its a vicious circle, I suppose. I wonder why they weren't nice to you when you obviously have so much respect for them?

I should have listened to my local friend and gone to Spearmint Rhino- who still want $50 to get in, but at least it's a real strip club, not a club that has strippers.

>>> Indeed, the worst thing is when you venture into a strip club, only to discover it is simply a club that has strippers.

Don't be a victim like I was, I'm warning you now!

>>> Warning heeded!

This is probably the best review I have seen so far.

Original review written by Eugene Y.

The girls were girls. The tig ole bitties were tig ole bitties (see diagram below).

( . )( . )
\ . /
/ \

>>> I actually have nothing to say. Good show Eugene.