Surfside 7 Cafe - Fort Collins, CO

Original review written by Claire L.

This may be a punk rock bar, but that doesn't mean I should have to deal with douche bags.

>>> Actually, I think that's exactly what that means.

I really wanted to give this place a chance since it looks like a good crowd, but I will never go back. Upon leaving the (disgusting, graffitied) bathroom, we are confronted with a giant crowd which we politely try to penetrate.

>>> I've been there, friend.

After ACCIDENTALLY nudging some giant septum-ringed female she shouts at us, "welcome to surfside bitches". Whoa. Hello fellow patron.

>>> This bar sounds excellent! I wonder why she only gave it one star.

I'm sorry I'm blond (sic) and just happen to be all dolled up because its (sic) my birthday, but does it really make your night to verbally assault my friend and i?

>>> Yes, what right does someone have to call you a bitch, when you only described her as being a giant septum-ringed female? And at a punk rock bar no less? The nerve!

Punk rock it may be, but seriously? If I'm here instead of at Wash bar then you know I'm not some classless doofus who doesn't care where I spend my money. So how about you DONT accost me?

>>> I am sure you said this to her as well, instead of talking shit in a Yelp review on your phone.

This is not a reflection of the bar itself, but if all of its patrons are like this I'm done.

>>> A noble finish to a poised and classy review. But wait, there's an update to the review!

My precious baby cousin (don't tell him I call him that)

>>> I promise.

has a band who played a show here. He, and about 300 other people I consider to be cool tell me I have to come back. So I will try it out this weekend, and let you guys know how it goes!

>>> I will wait desperately for your final word.

Small Snippets of Rage

>>>These are smaller reviews, full of things that piss me off and defy sense.


Applebee's - Salina, Kansas
Original review written by Vin F.

Pulled off I70 at 10pm in Salina to look for dinner. Big town. No problem, right?

>>> I am guessing from your rhetorical question that it was in fact a problem, right?

Why searching for dinner in Kansas is more exciting than in California:

1) A severe thunderstorm came through and dropped a tornado less than 1 mile from us: we sought shelter in a gas station.

2) This was followed by a massive squall line with high winds and horizontal rain: we stayed put at the gas station.

>>> This is where the review loses me. What the fuck does a thunderstorm and a tornado have to do with this critical response? We don't care about you, or your stay at the gas station. In fact, I wouldn't care if a elephant shat in your mouth unless it happened in a restaurant.

By the time the meteorological features of interest were done, it was almost 11pm.

>>> This sentence reads like a student who uses words to fill space rather than for maximum impact. "Meteorological features of interest" is a douchy phrase.

Crapplebee's was across the street and open, which, at this point, were our two remaining criteria.

>>> Crapplebee's is a stunning example of word play, however, it demonstrates to me that you already have your mind made up.

The food and ambience of this chain are ultra-mediocre, and I've never liked it.

>>>"Ultra-mediocre." To be exceptionally moderate in quality.

But at least the building was still standing.

>>> And scene. Thanks for the "Ultra" middling review. At least he used commas.

Trader Joe's - Jackson, Mississippi
Original review written by J.R.H.

JRH, Trader Joe's - Jackson, MS

Some of you Yelpers may not wonder where I go for all the ingredients needed when I restock the pantry for cooking at home---

>>> I don't know what I dislike more about this, the fact that he assumes only some of the people on Yelp don't wonder where he gets his ingredients, or the fact that he refers to them as "Yelpers."

you already guessed it, this TJs and the one in Cambridge, MA,

>>> Did we already guess it? So this guy is serious. Alright, his repulsive personal statement aside, I look forward to a review of this grocery store.

where they stock the full selection of Charles Krug wines (ok, it's not 2buck chuck anymore--those new sin taxes pinch everything).

>>> Please leave your brilliant political commentary at the door.

Here are some of the staples I go to Trader Joe's at least once per month -- the best value and high-quality

--Apricot, Boysenberry, Raspberry, Apple-Cranberry, Pumpkin Butter jams/preserves for the Bristol Bakery Breads we buy. (TJ's has a great bread selection too--seven seed multigrain is one favorite).

>>> So again we return to this man's personal life. Not only does he assume (wrongly) that we care where he shops, he is actually listing what he frequently buys.

--Blueberry Glazed and Lemon Ginger Scones, good enough I don't bother to attempt baking better ones.

--Black refried beans, and every other variety of canned beans...who has time to soak and simmer these days?

--Eggplant/Garlic spreads and red-pepper tapenades -- great with any sort of vegetable or crackers you might have

--hummus and baba ghanouj

>>> It continues, one vein bullet point at a time.

--tortillas of any variety. These TJ products are what I savor when I run out of my stash from El Indio in San Diego.

>>> No one cares where your preferred tortillas come from. To make special mention of it here seems to only inflate your sad, miserable ego.

--frosted oatmeal/cranberry dunkers

--kettle corn

>>> I have to stop things here. The list continues, and that is the mass of his review. To be so overwhelmingly arrogant to assume that we, the readers, care anything about what he buys for parties is absurd.


Union Jacks Strip Club - Portland, Oregon
Original review written by Andrew C.

Eastern Canadians call strip clubs, "Peelers".

That's hilarious.

>>> Is this a review or a stand-up routine?

They also pronounce "whores" like this -- Who-errs (1)(2)

>>> Alright, I don't know where this is going, but I am happy that this man's comments have footnotes.

(1) I am in no way labling exotic dancers as whores. In fact, I fall in love with them quickly and would like to take one on a picnic at the coast.

(2) Just shedding light on things Canadians say differently than us. Funny, funny Canadians.


>>> This is actually the end of the review. As strange and delightful though it may be, this is intended as a review for a business. If you wrote this for a newspaper and sent it to your editor, you would be fucked with a thumb-tack encrusted penis.

Costina's - Springfield, OR

Original review written by Annie T.

It's always exciting to go to a new restaurant in town, especially in Albany! (Have ya'll ever been to Albany?! Okay, I shouldn't knock a town that I chose to spend my time in...)

>>> I already don't like you. You are from Oregon, you are hereby disallowed to use the word "y'all."

My significant other took me there last night... here is my story:

>>> If anyone can take anything from this blog, it is to please stop overusing the Ellipsis. It was created as a suspension point between two thoughts, and often used to display dramatic tension or emphasis. There is nothing that is being "unsaid" in that last statement, so please discontinue use of it.

I'm a huge fan of Italian food. Bread, pasta, creamy calorie filled sauces. Did I mention pasta?!

>>> Yes, you did mention pasta. Oh, that was rhetorical. What a funny joke. Your colloquial stream of consciousness might do you well in conversation (though I doubt it), but please refrain from using it as a writing tool.

Tortellini = YUM. And I wonder why I have a slight weight problem!

>>> Getting too personal in your review is the first lesson you learn in any critical response seminar or class. We, the readers, don't give a shit about you, the critic, as a person. We want the information on the restaurant, not your personal life.

Carino's serves delicious fresh bread once you are seated, it's accompanied with garlic and olive oil, a very good combo in my book!

>>> Again, we don't care about you, or your book. Please keep yourself out of the review.

Soup or salad is served with entrees - I selected the garlic potato soup since it's a personal favourite.

>>> Wait, are you British, or Southern?

However, I think Campbell's Soup makes it better. I was less than impressed. However, the salad looked good - I'll select that next time.

>>> I think we can gather that you were "less than impressed" when you state that "Campbell's Soup makes it better."

Appetizers - kinda strange selection for an Italian joint. Nachos is (sic) something you'd see at Red Robin or Apple Bee's. But I guess variety is a good thing?

>>> Is that a rhetorical question?

We went with the Fire Sticks since all the waitresses (more on that later!) were pushing them on all unsuspecting customers.

>>> More on that later? My eyes bleed. Are you going to tell us more about the waitresses or the "Fire Sticks?" If it about the waitresses, what context are you providing? Should we be expecting good things about these waitresses, or bad things. Since you have a "slight weight problem," I would assume the latter.

And oh. my. goodness. They were amazing. Amazing. I'll just get an order of Fire Stick (sic) next time for dinner - and not share with anyone.

>>> I am less and less wondering why you have a "slight weight problem."

Dinner - ahhh, still not sure what I think of it.

>>> Fantastic, I am sure the people who spend millions of dollars marketing and franchising this restaurant are excited to read this critical response.

I ordered the Cheese Tortellini and added chicken for $3. However, the chicken was (sic) very thin strips and I had to search for them. I (sic) not picky when it comes to chicken, but I definitely wasn't impressed.

>>> I need more clarity here. Was the only problem with the chicken the quantity? Or was the quality in question as well? I know you not picky, but what specifically were you unimpressed with?

The tortellini itself was okay. Not the best, not the worst. The sauce didn't look appealing, however tasted okay.

>>> These two sentences (if you can call them that) portray no actual information about anything. Also, for any future reviewers, the word "okay" is not a specific enough adjective to describe your experiences.

They go skimpy on the parmesan cheese that gets freshly grated on top at the table - after 20 seconds of grating cheese any person would feel like it's time to say stop. However so little cheese was coming out! Give me cheese people!!

>>> I think I understand the joke at the beginning of the review now: "And I wonder why I have a slight weight problem!", you assume we all know you personally and read your reviews. Having read this far in, I now see that you can't stop talking about the quantity of food you ingest. I would imagine this is a "slight" theme in your reviews.

Waitresses: Okay, I'm a little chubby. Not too chubby, just got a few extra pounds, noooo big deal. My man loves me the way I am. Blah blah blah.

>>> What in the name of God just happened to this review? I want to let any readers know I do not edit around long reviews, I let them stand on their own. Each awkward word and sentence shines in its own mediocrity. And who, Annie, are you trying to convince about your size? I think the phrase "Blah blah blah" is the most apt thing I have read so far.

I'm not jealous of the skinny-minis, I love my food and I don't like to work out.

>>> Welcome to America.

There was not one single overweight waitress/hostess/chef in the joint - pretty strange if you ask me, but whatever.

>>> Let's assume you are making a comment about people who serve quality food being skinny, i.e. not eating enough of the food they prepare. Should we assume that everyone else has as little of control over eating as you do? To such an extent that its "pretty strange" if they don't?

But ohhhh my did they flirt with my man!!

>>> Ah, this must be the "more about that later!" you promised us.

Yes, he's hot. That's an established fact in my book -

>>> Your book might be missing a few pages.

but to google him with your eyes and undress him every single time you walk by? Uh, no.

>>> This has to be the most confusing part of this review. I think the word you're searching for is "ogle." However, the idea of a waitress "googling" someone with her eyes is a fascinating thought. Also, am I to assume you mean the waitresses undressed your man with their eyes? Because as written, it is unclear.

Not acceptable. Blatant smiles and staring? Not acceptable when you're working.

>>> Perfectly acceptable off the job.

I stayed quite (sic) until he asked - why are they all staring at me? We laughed it off and had a nice evening,

>>> Yes I can tell it didn't bother you at all.

but seriously? Look, but don't stare AND smile.

>>> So staring or smiling would be appropriate, but not at the same time? I just want to be clear about your rules, in case I see your man, and need to act appropriately.

Next time, if we ever go back, I will ask to speak to management. Ladies, he's going home with me.

>>> God help him. I have to point out it has been quiet (sic) a while since we have heard anything about the restaurant.

Overall, I'd rather eat at Olive Garden. Or Taco Bell.

>>> Checkmate. You should have written this at the top of your review, so we wouldn't have to suffer through it.

But I do thank my love for taking me out on a fun date! Love ya :)

>>> No Annie, thank you! Has the modern review become a hip-hop song with a "shout out" section at the end? Don't answer that Annie, its rhetorical.

Perhaps I should end on a serious note? Pastini is by far the best pasta joint - it's worth the drive up I-5. Happy Eatings!!

>>> I fear after this review Annie, I am not going to be taking your advice on anything, except maybe on how to express my need for attention in a thinly veiled attempt to review a restaurant.