Applebee's - Salina, Kansas
Original review written by Vin F.
Pulled off I70 at 10pm in Salina to look for dinner. Big town. No problem, right?
>>> I am guessing from your rhetorical question that it was in fact a problem, right?
Why searching for dinner in Kansas is more exciting than in California:
1) A severe thunderstorm came through and dropped a tornado less than 1 mile from us: we sought shelter in a gas station.
2) This was followed by a massive squall line with high winds and horizontal rain: we stayed put at the gas station.
>>> This is where the review loses me. What the fuck does a thunderstorm and a tornado have to do with this critical response? We don't care about you, or your stay at the gas station. In fact, I wouldn't care if a elephant shat in your mouth unless it happened in a restaurant.
By the time the meteorological features of interest were done, it was almost 11pm.
>>> This sentence reads like a student who uses words to fill space rather than for maximum impact. "Meteorological features of interest" is a douchy phrase.
Crapplebee's was across the street and open, which, at this point, were our two remaining criteria.
>>> Crapplebee's is a stunning example of word play, however, it demonstrates to me that you already have your mind made up.
The food and ambience of this chain are ultra-mediocre, and I've never liked it.
>>>"Ultra-mediocre." To be exceptionally moderate in quality.
But at least the building was still standing.
>>> And scene. Thanks for the "Ultra" middling review. At least he used commas.
Trader Joe's - Jackson, Mississippi
Original review written by J.R.H.
JRH, Trader Joe's - Jackson, MS
Some of you Yelpers may not wonder where I go for all the ingredients needed when I restock the pantry for cooking at home---
>>> I don't know what I dislike more about this, the fact that he assumes only some of the people on Yelp don't wonder where he gets his ingredients, or the fact that he refers to them as "Yelpers."
you already guessed it, this TJs and the one in Cambridge, MA,
>>> Did we already guess it? So this guy is serious. Alright, his repulsive personal statement aside, I look forward to a review of this grocery store.
where they stock the full selection of Charles Krug wines (ok, it's not 2buck chuck anymore--those new sin taxes pinch everything).
>>> Please leave your brilliant political commentary at the door.
Here are some of the staples I go to Trader Joe's at least once per month -- the best value and high-quality
--Apricot, Boysenberry, Raspberry, Apple-Cranberry, Pumpkin Butter jams/preserves for the Bristol Bakery Breads we buy. (TJ's has a great bread selection too--seven seed multigrain is one favorite).
>>> So again we return to this man's personal life. Not only does he assume (wrongly) that we care where he shops, he is actually listing what he frequently buys.
--Blueberry Glazed and Lemon Ginger Scones, good enough I don't bother to attempt baking better ones.
--Black refried beans, and every other variety of canned beans...who has time to soak and simmer these days?
--Eggplant/Garlic spreads and red-pepper tapenades -- great with any sort of vegetable or crackers you might have
--hummus and baba ghanouj
>>> It continues, one vein bullet point at a time.
--tortillas of any variety. These TJ products are what I savor when I run out of my stash from El Indio in San Diego.
>>> No one cares where your preferred tortillas come from. To make special mention of it here seems to only inflate your sad, miserable ego.
--frosted oatmeal/cranberry dunkers
--kettle corn
>>> I have to stop things here. The list continues, and that is the mass of his review. To be so overwhelmingly arrogant to assume that we, the readers, care anything about what he buys for parties is absurd.
Union Jacks Strip Club - Portland, Oregon
Original review written by Andrew C.
Eastern Canadians call strip clubs, "Peelers".
That's hilarious.
>>> Is this a review or a stand-up routine?
They also pronounce "whores" like this -- Who-errs (1)(2)
>>> Alright, I don't know where this is going, but I am happy that this man's comments have footnotes.
(1) I am in no way labling exotic dancers as whores. In fact, I fall in love with them quickly and would like to take one on a picnic at the coast.
(2) Just shedding light on things Canadians say differently than us. Funny, funny Canadians.
>>> This is actually the end of the review. As strange and delightful though it may be, this is intended as a review for a business. If you wrote this for a newspaper and sent it to your editor, you would be fucked with a thumb-tack encrusted penis.
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